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  This article is intended primarily for people who are entering into marriage for the first time. It is not intended to be all inclusive or to discuss every psychological aspect of marriage. It has been prepared by Virginia divorce lawyers whose practical experience may be useful to those contemplating marriage or to those recently married. This is general advice: special circumstances may dictate different approaches.

I. WHAT SHOULD BE DISCUSSED AND/OR DECIDED BEFORE MARRIAGE

Very few issues can be definitely decided before marriage because of changing circumstances, aspirations or needs once the marriage begins. It is, however, advisable to discuss and reach some general agreement on fundamental aspects of married life.

(A) CHILDREN

It is almost inconceivable that couples would marry without discussing and tentatively
agreeing on whether to have children; but it happens. It is not really important to decide the number of children, but whether to have any children should be addressed. If one has a strong feeling for or against children, it is unlikely that time will change that position.

(B) CAREERS

Each person should make known to the other his or her general expectations and
desires. If one spouse automatically and unthinkingly expects the other either to be employed, or to forsake a career and raise the children, such expectations can lead to serious problems. Hard and fast decisions are unnecessary. Knowledge of your spouse's general inclinations will lead to fewer misunderstandings.

(C) WHERE TO LIVE

Some people have very strong feelings as to where they live and the proximity of
family members. One spouse's desire to live in California, Maine or Florida may encounter serious and lasting opposition from the other spouse who has lived his entire life in Lynchburg, Virginia surrounded by extended family. The possibility that a move might be necessary should not be sprung upon a spouse after the wedding ceremony, but it should be thoroughly discussed beforehand, if possible. Both parties need to be flexible if circumstances require a change of residence. The general question of how a job-necessitated move will be handled -and whether it is different from the wife's or husband's employment - should be faced.

(D) PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS

Prenuptial agreements are contracts entered into by spouses before marriage which
control property settlements and/or spousal support in the event of a divorce. Pre-Nuptial Agreements are more commonly used when one or both of the parties have substantial premarital assets or income or responsibilities for other family members, i.e., parents or children from prior marriage.

(E) RELIGION

People of different religious convictions who marry sometimes have special problems
with the observance of various rites and holidays. The problem can become unavoidable in the raising of children. Leaving these issues to be decided "when the need arises" can be worse. Open discussion and pre-planning a strategy for practicing religious beliefs and raising children in those religious beliefs can be most helpful in easing later tension.

II. ISSUES WHICH ARISE AFTER MARRIAGE

Numerous issues can and will arise during the course of a marriage. It is important to realize that marriage is, by its very nature, a dynamic process. People and decisions change during the natural course of events. Each person should know that despite the best intentions to reach agreements prior to marriage, some agreements cannot be expected to endure over the life of a couple.

A. FIDELITY

Nothing can ruin a marriage faster than sexual infidelity. Fidelity is a sign of each spouse's commitment to the marriage, and if broken or damaged, may never be totally repaired regardless of how faithful one is thereafter. If a "one night stand" or affair occurs, what should be done? There is legitimate controversy about whether revealing the infidelity to the other spouse may be more destructive than helpful to a long and successful marriage. Disclosure may allow the offending party to purge himself of guilt feelings; yet, the net effect to the marriage may be detrimental on a long-term basis. Many believe, perhaps rightly, that telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth is always important, and never more so than in the context of the sacred marital bond.

It is probably best to consult a psychological professional on the issue of how, whether and under what circumstances to disclose an act of marital infidelity. Certainly if confronted with concrete evidence by your spouse, it is vital to make complete disclosure in order to attempt to rebuild the relationship. Above all, it's important to understand that each case must be dealt with on the individual circumstances of the infidelity and the marriage; this can best be done with professional assistance which may in the long run actually strengthen each spouse's commitment to the marriage.

B. SEX BETWEEN SPOUSES

Sexual difficulties can be a symptom of both underlying marital issues, and significant problems in their own right which would need to be negotiated by couples. No area is both so important, yet difficult to discuss in a marriage. Couples should be particularly sensitive to the potential impact of sexual difficulties on the functional workings in a relationship, and be willing to seek professional help should difficulties arise within this arena.

Couples should try to remain both as attractive and as romantic as possible. Sexual frustration is the basis for many surface problems which arise in a marriage and it can create a general lack of tolerance and commitment to the other person. Although sex should be comfortable for both parties, a bit of an adventuresome spirit will help keep your spouse at home. The frequency with which both spouses will desire sexual intercourse will probably vary and both must communicate to the other if frequency is a problem. Neither party should "have his way" but each must learn to accommodate their spouse's desires. If sexual problems persist, professional help should be sought since the causes may be medical as well as psychological.

C. FINANCES

This issue has many different possibilities for causing marital conflict. Some general rules may be helpful:

1. All earned income, regardless of source, should be referred to as "our money".

2. The vast majority of earned income should be placed in a joint account to
avoid problems of financial control or dominance. There is nothing wrong with each party also having a separate account for "fun money".

3. Some couples find it helpful to keep financial gifts from families, if not needed
for everyday necessities or purchase of major marital assets, in the name of the spouse whose family gave the money. However, maintaining funds in this manner can become a matter of contention. Before this decision is made, open and honest discussion between the spouses is very important.

4. Both parties should be knowledgeable about family income and debts even if
one spouse is allocated the task of writing the checks or filling out the tax returns. Neither party should attempt to "control" the family finances or keep the other in the dark.

5. Be willing to accept some frivolous spending by your spouse. Most people
have a need to feel free, at a reasonable level, to buy something that is not critically necessary for the home or family. You should not make them feel guilty for doing so. On the other hand, reckless spending which causes financial burdens may also cause marital problems.D. FAMILY/HOUSEHOLD RESPONSIBILITIES

Don't expect one person to have total responsibility for the household chores or child care tasks. It is best not to leave it to happenstance as to who does what. Set out a logical list of duties and responsibilities for each spouse so that specific obligations are known to both parties. Neither spouse should be the "servant" or "housekeeper" for the other but this does not mean that all responsibilities must be divided on a 50/50 basis, especially if employment or child rearing demands dictate otherwise.

E. DECISION MAKING

It will be wise to discuss with your spouse all major decisions and even to arrive at these decisions on a mutually agreeable basis. Communication is the essential ingredient to the process. Even though all decisions should be mutually discussed, not all decisions, however, need to be mutually made, especially if one spouse has greater expertise in a certain area. Deferring to the other spouse's knowledge and experience will prevent many destructive and needless arguments. Know what you know and know what you don't know. One of the most common complaints heard by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers is that my spouse is trying to control every aspect of my life. Couples who are functioning well together share in making decisions about those issues that affect them both and let each spouse retain the freedom to make decisions about individual choices and behavior.

F. CHILDREN

One of the most persistent and pervasive causes of marital disharmony, but not necessarily divorce, involves the raising of children. First, the problems can arise from different ideas concerning the general philosophy of child rearing, discipline, age-appropriate activities, division of responsibilities, education (public v. private), and a host of others. It must be realized that many of your spouse's ideas in these categories are the product of how he/she was raised. Knowledge of your potential spouse's family may provide you with important insights into some or all of these issues. To ignore this background of your spouse is to risk misunderstanding the expectations your spouse will have for your children.

One of your primary goals should be to build self-esteem in your child. This will determine to a large extent whether your child is "successful" (whatever that means) in life. This is the second major problem area for parents. There are a number of ways that parents can either build or destroy their child's self-esteem. Low self-esteem results generally in problems with peers, schools, parents and sometimes the police. These problems cause great stress on the marriage and often cause an already fragile relationship to break.

To raise a healthy child and make your marriage stronger and easier, try to provide the following:

1. unconditional love,

2. positive reinforcement as opposed to demeaning put-downs,

3. hugs and kisses,

4. quality and quantity time,

5. consistently followed rules,

6. reasonable discipline without verbal or physical abuse,

7. constant exposure to religious instruction or a moral code,

8. being a good listener and not just a lecturer, and

9. an ability to be flexible.

The old adage that "children need two parents" has been proved over and over again:

Both parents must be actively involved with their children regardless of work schedules.

1. Each parent should avoid making demeaning or derogatory comments about
his/her spouse in the presence of the children.

2. One of your greatest gifts to your child is to demonstrate frequently both
physically and verbally your love for your spouse.

3. "Reduce the exposure of children to parental conflict (both verbal and
physical), as such parental behavior has been shown to have particularly negative effects on child adjustment and development."

There is much more that can and should be said on the issue of children, but appropriate preparation for children by reading and talking with parents whom you admire should be included.
G. TIME WITH SPOUSE

Nothing can be further from the truth than the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Constant or extended absences from your spouse will invariably put a strain on the relationship. This should be avoided if possible. Absence, however, can also occur when the spouses come home to the same house each night, but act more like boarders sharing common space than spouses. Every marriage can be enhanced by frequent and meaningful communication, joint recreation, and time together away from the home where possible. One cannot expect a relationship to grow or even remain "as is" if you treat your spouse like a roommate and not a spouse. However, each spouse's being constantly in one another's presence, and no one else's, creates its own strain. Individuals need some measure of privacy and respect for their own personal time and space. Failure to recognize this has destroyed many a relationship. A rule that you must do everything together or not at all is bad for most couples. It will, over time, leave at least one partner feeling suffocated, restless and desperately unhappy, perhaps without understanding why.

H. IN-LAWS

Although many jokes are told about in-laws, one's relatives can be a moving force in a divorce. It is each spouse's responsibility to control their respective parents if they start to become a problem. You should be protective of your spouse against unwarranted and unjustified attacks by your parents. Even if the attacks are true, you must temper the methods used by your parents when they directly or indirectly criticize your spouse. There should also be an attempt to equalize the time and attention given to each set of parents, but often logistics will make this impossible. Just as you must accept your spouse's faults and limitations, the same should be true for your in-laws. Otherwise, you will find yourself in fights which are impossible to win. The spouse who sees every contact of friends or relatives as "interference" and seeks to isolate his spouse entirely from his or her own family is practically assured of substantial conflict.

I. COUNSELING

If problems are becoming serious, then you must consider the use of professional marital counselors. Be careful not to select a counselor whose philosophy is to make the divorce process easier on both of you. Your counselor should be one whose primary goal is to effect a reconciliation of your differences or problems if it is at all reasonable. Identifying problems and suggesting solutions, or helping you arrive at these, should be the professional's goal.

It takes a mutual effort if counseling is to be useful. If one spouse is attending merely to appease the other, it will be a waste of time. Allow the more reluctant spouse to be the one who investigates and selects the counselor so that he/she will have more invested in the process. It is not a sign of inferiority or mental illness to need the services of a marriage counselor, but this misconception prevents many people from seeking the service of counselors. Try to make your reluctant spouse understand that this is more of a problem solving process than a discussion of personal faults or emotional problems. In some serious cases, marital counseling will not be productive unless both parties are also seeing individual therapists.

CONCLUSION

Marriage is a commitment. People having been raised in different backgrounds and having different experiences may come together and marry with totally different expectations of what marriage is and should be. Those hopes and expectations might be frustrated and disappointed during the first months and even first few years of marriage. This does not mean that if your relationship with your partner does not meet the expectations which you brought into the marriage, the marriage should always be terminated.

Like any other endeavor of true and lasting value, most marriages are worth working on and working for. Do not be afraid to change your expectations and desires as the marriage relationship progresses. Marriage can be rewarding although the relationship turns out to bear no resemblance to what you originally thought marriage was to entail.